I’m Toothless and an Exciting Announcement for…uh…me!

I’m not going to be one of those people who puts announcements ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the way at the bottom of their posts because I need you to read my entries – which I DESPERATELY need – but I am going to put it at the bottom because you LOVE my writing and LOVE my shitty announcements about me starting a podcast.

What a horrible way to announce things. I wish I had a Michael Buffer-esque soundclip – THAT’S AN IDEA* – saying that whole top portion but in a lethargic way where the words just kind of escape from his mouth like he’s reading an advert for a Cash-for-Gold business or other scam like the U.S. banking system.

So I’m going to start a podcast, partially because I think it will be decent exposure – or INdecent, right? right? – but mostly because I found a time machine that will carry me back to 2005 when podcasts were still relevant. I’m thinking this will be a kind of “what’s going on with Robert F. Peterson this week” type of podcast, but I want to have features, maybe guests who I will coerce to do my show in exchange for lesser charges, and some other gags.

Launch will hopefully be the week of Dec. 1st and I really hope this allows me to reach a new audience and establish myself a little more.

And, sincerely, thank you all for your continued support, one of these days I’ll reach my goal of being on a Buzzfeed list between Bill Burr and Carrot Top as a “Top Redhead Comedian” where, simultaneously, it will be the only time mine and Louis C.K.’s name are used in the same general area of one another.

Now onto the fun stuff…

I never really cared about my teeth. I’m not sure exactly why, but it was something that wasn’t important to me. I drink a ton of coffee, diet soda, eat candy – from time to time – and used to smoke. Those things alone are horrible for these small protruding bone fragments that grow out of your jaw, but all four of these things together are like a battering ram slowly compromising the only protection your body has from large portions of steak getting lodged in your throat.

But losing your teeth may put you on a milkshake diet, so I’m not complaining.

But when tooth #1 – that’s what it is apparently named – took out a billboard advertising it’s arrival in my mouth I had no choice but to take notice in the form of starving myself**. The pain went quickly from tolerable to give me a knife, some boiling water, and a canteen of whisky because I’m taking this tooth out myself even if it kills me.

Eventually the pain led me to the dentist who, after about a one-second examination, exclaimed “WOAH! Everyone crowd around! Now THAT is an infection that we only read about in books!***” After some Novocaine and a few painful tests followed by the question “did you feel that?” I was finally numb and ready to have my gums literally scraped of it’s infectious tissue and then I was sent on my merry way.

The next two days I had to deal with fighting off this infection which really meant popping antibiotics and laying in bed watching The Shield and The Office on Hulu and Netflix respectively. Apparently gum infections have the unique ability to completely strangle your sinuses which then, in turn, sends pain radiating throughout your body.

Thursday I decided to try and go back to work, that was a horrible idea. My boss told me to go home, which means I didn’t look like I was doing to well and probably looked like that old lady in the bathtub from The Shinning****.

After some harassment from my lovely wife I called the dentist to tell him my condition hadn’t gotten much better and that maybe we should reconsider taking this tooth out IN A FUCKING MONTH! I’m not an expert at these things so I took his word for it that we should wait to take the tooth out because living in pain is what tough guys do.

“Well that’s it, that tooth needs to come out immediately.” Imagine that said in a deadpan voice as if it was my choice to wait the month to take the tooth out. “Call the oral surgeon and tell him this is an emergency extraction.” That’s a fun line to hear, it gives the sense of grave danger combined with being in a coal mining accident.

Friday at 1:15 pm I am sitting in a small examination room reading a piece of paper that outlines all the possible outcomes of an emergency extraction including death. Folks, you are officially dealing with a dare devil, I will likely be immortalized next to Evel Knievel and that kid you grew up with that had a plywood board and a few cinder blocks and turned that into a launching pad for your bikes that on the first attempt cracked in half flipping him over the handlebars and onto the pavement.

The oral surgeon then comes into the room and goes through the same procedure I went through earlier in the week of hurting me until I could no longer feel any pain. I’m not sure at what point in your dental training they teach you to put your finger in your patients mouth and tell them to close down but I didn’t go to dental school so I wasn’t aware this was to act as a sort of jack that props your mouth open during the procedure and therefore I was very close to being able to tell people what a finger tastes like.

The tooth was out in about 30-seconds and I learned that if I ever became a vampire I wouldn’t enjoy the cuisine of their people. I left there with one less tooth and an important lesson, don’t bite the hand that cures you.

*Michael Buffer soundclip website
**not actually true although typical portions were smaller
***dramatization of actual events
****note to self: add to queue


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