Maybe The Hills Have Eyes Wasn’t the Best Movie to Watch

I’m a fan of the horror genre of film. I would like to say that I’m an aspiring connoisseur, however there are a lot of shitty horror movies, and too many of them directed by M. Night Shyamalan, for me to wear that crown.

Plot twist! It was exactly what you predicted when you saw the trailer!

Master of suspense indeed, M., INDEEEEEEEEEED.

Of all the subgenres of horror I would have to say Psychological/Thriller would be my all time favorite. I like movies that can “actually happen” because sleeping at night is overrated. There may not be a more perfectly crafted horror movie than The Shinning. When I was around 12 years old I had to turn the movie off in the first three minutes BECAUSE OF THE MUSIC!

That’s horror, folks.

Eventually I watched enough horror movies that I started to get a little too cocky about my threshold for fear.

“Yeah, right, three people breaking into a house and torturing their victims until they beg for death as mercy. PFT! SEEN IT!”

Truth be told when I saw The Strangers there was one point that scared me so much that I, probably a 24/25 year old man at the time, yelped in fear. I think there were two 8-year old girls who were laughing behind me. I like to think I’ve given them a story they can share with their friends for years whenever The Strangers is brought up in casual conversation.

At the height of my confidence I was on a flight out to Colorado to share in the nuptial celebration of my cousin. It was a decently long flight from New York out there so I decided that a movie would suffice as a means of entertainment. After long deliberation between – what was probably – Miss Congeniality and The Hills Have Eyes I made the decision that watching a horror movie while 30,000 feet in the air was an experience I couldn’t pass up.

The next thing I did was borrow my mom’s credit card and away I went watching a movie that was equal parts disturbing, unrealistic, and scream-at-the-monitor worthy because the only person who should have an RV in the desert is Walter White.

For those of you who haven’t heard of this movie it is about a deserted town where nuclear tests took place leaving the residents of said town deformed, inbred, and flesh-eating monsters who may have worked with the NYPD at one point.

Cultural reference points: 10

Overall the movie wasn’t horrible and it had some moments that freaked me out. It also had its moments where it made me laugh, mostly because the 6-year old next to me was crying the whole time.

Stupid kids.

As we made our way through the Rocky Mountains toward the house we were renting for the week I couldn’t help but feel amazed that we were seeing some of the most beautiful landscape the United States had to offer. It amazed me, at points, that we have the capability to create tunnels through massive rock foundations and that even a slight tremor – or Earth chills as I like to call them – could lead to a catastrophe where we end up like Sylvester Stallone in the move Daylight, except there would be no hope of survival for us.

I’m here today so clearly there were no Earth chills, suckas!!!

The movie really didn’t have any kind of affect on me at all up to this point but you read the title so  you know that didn’t last forever. As daylight slowly turned to the black canvas that is painted over the Earth we turned down a LONG dirt road that was surrounded by EXTREMELY tall grass. The type of grass where people who may have lived close to a nuclear testing facility could hide easily so they could eat the delicious family driving through the deserted area.

This is where my mind started to spin the fantastic wheel of “holy shit this could actually happen” scenarios and fell on some really great ones, like:

– I can’t see a person hiding here so I’m going to die
– Will they keep me alive as they eat my family?
– I hope they don’t kill my family and then make me eat them and then I can’t not have human flesh for the rest of my life so I join them and become their leader*

* This one came true, but it was a dream

Oh, the house we stayed in? It was actually a beautiful house and I was put in the basement – of course because where else would you put a delicious (and rare) redhead who is pudgy and can’t run fast? – where I couldn’t sleep because we know how most cannibals break into houses, don’t we?

The wedding was beautiful and we had a great time with family and friends. We partied, there were fireworks, and I learned a valuable lesson, don’t tell Coloradans that they remind you of cannibals from Arizona, they hate Arizona.

 

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