Buying or Leasing a Car

I decided to get a car.

It’s one of those moments where you are full of unnecessary joy that is immediately erased once a salesperson comes up to you to discuss what they have to offer.

Could anyone imagine being treated like that anywhere else?

Hi, I’ll have an iced coffee, please

“Would you like to make it large for a dollar more?”


“How about spill protection?”

What’s that? (side note: why? why in your life would you ever ask that question!!!!!!!)

“Oh, I’d be glad to show you a pamphlet. Basically you pay me an extra $3 and if you spill your coffee you get a new one for free.”

No thanks. Actually that doesn’t even make sense. The $3 for the protection is the same price I am paying for the coffee now and once I finish the coffee it’s a non-issue. Basically I’m am just pre-paying for my next one.

“What if you walk out of here and someone knocks into you?”

I guess that’s a valid point, I’ll take the protection.

So what happens now is you walk outside with your coffee and are taking a joyous sip of the deliciousness that it provides and WHAM! someone knocks into you!

Don’t worry you have the protection…NICE

You stroll back into the shop.

You were right, I needed the protection, you say with a smile on your face to the sales person.

“Okay, let me just pull up your – wait. Did you put the straw in there?”

Uh, yeah. I often put a straw in my iced coffee, that’s how I consume it.

“Oh, I’m sorry, the straw modifies the cup and modifications are not covered under the protection.”


But unlike Hulk I didn’t lose my wife to a younger man!

ZING! That worked because you thought I meant the Incredible Hulk and now you don’t know why you’re still reading this.

Reeling it back in now, folks…sorry about that.

My point is car shopping is miserable and I would rather be strapped to a table and beaten with a wooden paddle without a safe word.

Unless it’s Wolfie, that movie was awesome.

The process itself sucked and took wayyyy too long and we ended up having to push lunch back to 4:30 and then the misery continued because we ate at TGI Friday’s.


The first stop we made was to a dealership and I’m not sure if I should tell you if it was Mazda or not.

The sales person was actually pretty great I must say. He was giving us advice on how to deal with salespeople and what were the correct things to say so you’re not getting roped into a bad deal. But someone should give him advice on how to sell cars because when we got back from our test drive – he waited at the dealership – he gave us the price and then took off.

This is how it went:

“How’d you enjoy the ride?”

It was nice. (I was playing coy because I didn’t want him to know we were interested)

“Great! I spoke with my manager and it will be about $225/mo.”

Oh, we wanted to pay less than that.

“It was great meeting you.”

And just like that he was gone. All that was left of him was the musk from his cologne and the bad taste in our mouth that not only will we not be getting a Mazda but apparently we weren’t even worth negotiating with as customers.

We ended up at Honda next where we were told by a guy that has no idea what our financial situation is that “it’s okay to go over budget”.

So then we moved on to another dealership that also doled out Honda automobiles and that’s what we ended up settling with. The experience wasn’t bad at all until we were pitched all the coverage packages and put under a hot spotlight. It was like our own episode of SVU minus the rape and a whole lot more shame.

It’s amazing how much they try and squeeze out of you even after you’ve already committed, it’s like they are trying to smack you like a Heinz bottle that is painted red. Just because it looks like there is ketchup inside, doesn’t mean that despite the weight being close to zero there is miraculously some still left.

We walked out with a car and a new sense of freedom, we were in there so long though that we forgot what the sun looked like which is an appropriate analogy considering car salespeople are like vampires.



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