Keep Them Away!



“Did you eat all the bacon?”


Bill ate all the bacon, it’s so obvious but for some reason he felt that he had to hide it from his wife.


Jill knew.

Jill always knew.

Bill has high blood pressure and is closing in on getting diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, but he can’t keep his hands off fatty foods.

Jill is a health nut who only makes bacon on occasion because she loves the smell and finds it to be rewarding when she treats herself to the succulent taste of well done bacon. The crunch alone gives her chills and takes her away from the hectic life they have grown accustom to.

Bill and Jill have two kids whose names don’t rhyme with theirs. In college they used to get made fun of for having names that rhymed. It was a running joke between the fraternity Bill belonged to and the sorority that Jill belonged to that they would name their children Phil and Lil.

Mostly due to the cute twins in the show Rugrats that the fraternity and sorority would watch after taking ecstasy and smoking opium.

Bill, Jill, Scott and Amy lived in a colonial ranch style home on an acre of land on Long Island.

Bill was an advertising executive who came up with the idea of those bears that use toilet paper in the ads. He’s the one who said the young bear should wear a baseball cap so he could lie to people and say he was the creative genius behind it.

Jill was a stay-at-home mom who runs her own YouTube channel named “Baby, Bridal Boutique.” A DIY vlog that helps her viewers create cute designs and provides them with ideas for any kind of shower imaginable. Her most popular video is the one where she made a Winnie-the-Pooh Christmas ornament out of bubble wrap and red and yellow yarn.

There is a distinct reason that the word “was” is being used though. You see about 3 months ago there was a terrible virus that broke out and spread throughout the Jewish community they lived next to.

Bill and Jill were Jewish by the standard idea that not being baptized at birth means that is what dictates your religious ideals. Bill and Jill, however, were not practicing Jews but they felt that if their kids chose to be religious they would want them to be close to people who practice the same beliefs.

The location was ideal and provided a large plot of land. The weekends were quiet due to the neighborhood going to temple.

They had settled into a nice life before the virus.

The virus was supposedly started when a boy was bitten by a rabid dog that the Goldstein family found on their property.

When he showed the parents his bite they took him to the hospital, he got the Rabies shots and then was sent home.

The next day the boy went to school and developed a fever. When he dropped to the floor he began convulsing and eventually died. His best friend, the Goldstein’s son – both the dead boy and the Goldstein boy were playing in the backyard when the dog bit him – held him in his arms and tried to coach him back to life, but it was too late.

Suddenly the dead boy jolted back to life, but something was missing. He wasn’t all there and eventually went on a rampage of his own where he bit anyone and everyone he could with an insatiable hunger.

Dead boy had become a zombie.

Bill, Jill, Scott and Amy lived comfortably among the Jewish zombies and really kept to themselves and stayed indoors as often as possible. They didn’t run into much trouble.

“There’s more in the freezer!”, Bill yelled out.

Jill walked into the garage where they were stockpiled with food due to the apocalyptic scene that had unfolded in their own neighborhood. But when Jill turned around there was a zombie standing there. Jill quickly ran inside and told the kids to gather in the living room with their father.

They all piled in and locked the door, but soon more zombies gathered and started pushing the blockade to its limits. Under the constant weight of the un-dead the door eventually gave way and collapsed into the living room with bodies falling all over each other.

“I love you all,” Jill said while crying.

“We love you too,” Bill, Scott and Amy said back choking back their tears.

The zombies eventually got Scott and Amy and then they directed their assault on to Jill.

All the zombies had passed over Bill.

“You heartless bastard! You’ll burn in hell for this!”

All Bill could do was smile and laugh at Jill’s last words. Because if you take anything away from this story it’s that being a Jewish zombie doesn’t mean you’ll break kosher.


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