That’s what I expected all of you to do when you read the title of this post and I have to say I can’t really blame you.
But it’s true, for a little stretch during my high school years I would chug two liter bottles of soda for my, and my friends, amusement. Please note that I said “I would”, which indicates that I had done this on more than one occasion and then note that I did this at least 3 times, could’ve been four – I honestly don’t remember them all.
I realized I had this unique ability to chug liquids – is that unique? – while I was attending Woodmere Middle School. In front of my adoring fans I would stand up, crack open the top of a Yoo-Hoo can – canned chocolate milk was, and probably still is, one of mankind’s worst conceptions – and chug it down in about three seconds. Everyone would cheer, pat me on the back, and pretty much use me as an example of comparison when they would ask girls out.
“Oh, he likes you.”
“Oh, wow. I mean it’s really cool that he can chug those Yoo-Hoo’s but I need a man that knows his limits”
“Want some Fun Dip?”
“A man after my own heart!”
This skill turned out to be something that didn’t benefit me much because at an early age I swore off alcohol. So during events that featured keg stands or flip cup people would DIE for me to be on their team but I had to stand by and watch on the sidelines. But an uneasiness grew inside of me and I started to resent my choices.
I used to be the main attraction!
I was in the spotlight!
Where have all my fans gone?
My fans ditched team Robert F. Peterson and went to other more girly things, like girls.
I needed a way to regain my fame! I needed to find something unique enough that people would stand around and watch but not so disgusting that I was just a glorified side show freak who had to bunk up with the bearded lady!
What was something that I loved and was known for?
What was something I always drank?
How about I combine both of these into one performance piece?
So I set out to do it. First I started with cans, I could chug the whole 12 ounces easy so I had to step up my game. Next it was on to 20 oz bottles, these were more challenging but after some practice I would finish them with relative ease. Now the 1-liter soda, this was the biggest hurdle of them all because I noticed how much the carbonation affected me. I could fight through it but the bubbles would hurt and burn my esophagus and I needed to find a solution!
What I decided to do was shake up the bottle before I performed these feats. This way the soda would go flat and it was just as easy to chug down as water or the Yoo-Hoo that was still affecting my digestive system years after I had my last one.
Once I figured this out it made things easier and then it was on to the main stage with the 2-liter bottle.
The first time I performed this it was a great success. It was as if I was at Yankee Stadium and instead of me getting ignored, I was the one ignoring Jorge Posada. People were cheering me on, laughing, getting grossed out and permanently putting me on their “do not date or ever have bodily contact with” lists, but it didn’t matter, I regained the spotlight.
On my second performance I was in the backyard of my good friends house and everyone crowded around as it was announced the chugging would commence. Again, a horde of people gathered around to watch as I took down the 2-liter of diet coke. The light that lit up the concrete patio where we were all gathered worked at the perfect stage and the spotlight was right on me. I finished to thunderous applause and threw the bottle over my right shoulder in a celebratory fashion.
It looked as easy as the first time, but this time I didn’t shake the bottle up enough. I’m not sure if anyone reading this has ever chugged a 2-liter bottle of soda but that’s a lot of liquid and the fact that it wasn’t flat means it didn’t settle well in my stomach. In these events not many get to do a curtain call but because of the applause I suppose the soda wanted some of the glory because it didn’t hesitate to make another appearance and when I took a bow it saw it’s opportunity to escape.
Needless to say I made it to a few more “do not date, etc.” lists that night, but my story lives on forever, and that’s really all I wanted.