I am only using that title for panache, it’s really an overarching reminder of how I compare myself, all too often, to people who have had success – or, at least, my idea of success.
Sitting here at 28 and wondering where my life has gone is wayyyyyyy too serious for this blog. Some self-reflective memoir is not what I intend to put up on these hallowed walls filled with comedic musings, but showing meaning for my progression while battling how lethargic and self-destructive I have been is something that should be discussed.
But most of it is Mindy Kaling’s fault.
Well not her fault per se, but her fault in that I have to constantly put myself in a position where I am looking at myself and asking why I haven’t had success in the same way she has. Why haven’t I gotten my break? Why haven’t I been on TV? Why haven’t I been named one of the most influential women in the world?
The simple answer is, I didn’t know what I wanted out of my life until now. And that seems to be a problem, but only because I want it to be a problem. Like a man with a broken leg using a crutch for support, that’s what I am like. Kicking the crutch out from a man with a broken leg is funny, kicking it out from me turns me into a baby that is looking for consolation and support. I want to use my age as a way to say that’s why I never achieved what I wanted to achieve.
That’s such unbelievable bullshit.
I think I half expected to write 10,000 tweets to my 500 followers and expected someone to say, “holy shit, that tweet about that time someone looked in on you while you were taking a shit on the toilet is exactly what we are looking for!”
“in a writer. Sorry got cut off. Damn 140 characters! Right? RIGHT????”
But that’s not how it works in the real world…not at all. Mindy worked her ass off to get where she is today. And while I sat back and watched TV, expecting someone to push their hand through the garbage I spat up – I don’t clean my apartment much – to rescue me and make my dreams come true, Mindy was out there busting her ass to make her dream come true.
This post did get a little too emotional for it’s own good, but I needed to say it. This blog is not only about my progression but a way for me to express myself. I have doubts, who doesn’t, and I appreciate anyone who swings by, reads this and even if they say “wow, what a whiny bitch” I’m still happy someone is taking a little bit of me with them.
Mindy, I’m envious of what you have accomplished, but I know you deserve it. Instead of being someone I throw jealous rage at, I want to use you as inspiration to someone who gave it all to get what she wanted. I hope we cross paths one day, probably while you get an Emmy and I sit there as a seat filler hoping to be up there the next year.
Thank you, Mindy, for making me realize jealousy is just a crutch for shutting down, because that is much easier. My journey may be starting a little late, but this is something I want, something I need and something I will have.