Last night marked the second time in the history of my life that I pushed words out of the front of my mouth in an attempt to make people laugh. Some of the jokes hit, some…not so much. But this is a process after all and hopefully one that will grow into something bigger.
Below I have written the transcript of what I said during this little performance, I’m open to notes or suggestions if anyone has them. These are works in progress so I hope to let this grow and mature a little more as when I typed them out I realized there are major changes that need to be made. I hope you enjoy and remember, once you hear it you can’t unhear it and it will be with you FOREVER.
uh, so, I was very fortunate to have a good family life at home, my mom and dad got alone very well, but there was this one time when I told my mom that if her and my dad got a divorce, I was going to live with my dad.
So, I thought that was funny.
They didn’t really fight a lot. So there was this one night I was like 8 years old, and we had family over and they were leaving, and there must’ve been tension building between my parent because my mom went to go say bye to my aunt and as she was leaving my mom remembered that they left something behind and as she went to run to the door my dad was like “don’t worry about it they will get it next time.” And then I realized it was ice cream they left behind and I was like “that’s fucking boss, dad, way to get some ice cream for the family.” So after they closed the door my parents started this blow out fight, the first real fight I’ve ever heard them have. They are screaming at each other and now I’m scared and terrified and crying and I knock on my sister’s door and ask “do you think mom and dad are going to get a divorce?” and my sister was like “get the fuck out of my room, shut the fuck up you’re stupid.” So I worked up the courage to get to the edge of the stairs. And I look downstairs and a remote control comes flying and smashes against the wall and I’m scared and crying which must’ve prompted my mom to see what was up and she looks up the stairs and I’m crying and I say “are you and dad going to get a divorce?” and she says, and I will never forget this, “maybe.” And I was like “that’s the worst thing you could possibly say to an 8-year old kid”
I think it’s funny that people like to make fun of redheaded people and the big thing they like to say is “beaten like a redheaded stepchild.” But unlike some other jokes about others they never give you the “are you okay look, I hope I didn’t really offend you” and just assume I got beaten like a redheaded stepchild.
I was out to dinner with some friends the other day and I asked for the salt and pepper and I think it’s kind of strange that the girl I was with said, “you like pepper, huh?” and I was like “no, I just fucking like putting it on my food to make it taste horrible.”
I was online today and Nelson Mandela, a huge loss to the world, and there was an ad for some kind of website so I clicked on it and it took me to, I’m not sure what language they speak in South Africa but it took me to a newspaper that was written in that language. So I use Google translate and on the top of the page are the letters B-E-E-L-D and I was like “this fucking Google translate sucks! It obviously meant to say bled*” and then I realized I’m a fucking ignorant asshole because it actually was spelled correctly and was the name of the website**.
I’m going to try something a little weird here, so bare with me.
I’m not an intimidating guy and I don’t have any problems with that. Clearly I’m small, stocky, and not very threatening. So I have a knife at home in case someone breaks into the house…and then I pretend to be killing my fiance so he just gets the fuck out.
I was online again today, because I hate my job, and I was on a site that said “15 Celebrities We Didn’t Know Were African American” and the main thing I got from that was that the word celebrity is used very loosely on the internet.
I don’t get the fantasy of sending ricin and arsenic to the president. People obviously have visions of grandeur thinking that that letter will actually reach the president and their assassination attempt will succeed. I don’t know why I said that, I have no punch line.
*I’m stupid because the letters in B-E-E-L-D clearly should be rearranged to the correct word of BLEED not bled
**It was the name of the newspaper not the website