Here’s A List of Things I Would Be Caught Dead In Because I Should Be Killed If I Was Wearing Them

Look at that title, that’s a long fucking title.

I’m a pretty simple guy. I like to do my best to look good without trying to hard. Generally shorts and a t-shirt are my wheelhouse, but at work I tend to try to look somewhat presentable despite the fact that I have red hair. However there are some things that I don’t understand why people wear them and, most importantly, why anyone wouldn’t say, “hey, you look like a fucking asshole.”

This is my list of items that if I wore I would expect my soon-to-be wife to buy a gun and immediately shoot me dead.

Velvet Slippers

These aren’t just any velvet slippers, folks, these are $248 velvet slippers from Brooks Brothers, the finest place for all your business and yachting clothing needs. Designed for all your douchebaggery and “hey look how rich I am, did you see? Wait, it’s not from Kohl’s it’s really from Brooks Brothers. Check the tag, PLEASE CHECK THE TAG!!!!” If I was seen in these I would expect a long excruciating death in some kind of dimly lit basement that you always see in horror movies and sorry, robbers, blood ruins velvet so heh! (imagine a ginger sticking his tongue out at you)

Harem Pants

That’s right folks, these pants exist and actually have a name, harem pants. These pants really showcase the fact that you are so desperate to dissuade attention from the fact that you have a small penis that you would actually wear these pants. Baggy in the crotch region and tight around the thighs, calves and ankles you can really let people know that if a strong wind comes along you also become a kite. I wouldn’t expect any kind of long drawn out death more like sneaking up from behind and just shooting me right in the brain.

Jesus Sandals

I don’t give a shit if you’re a father or if you have fat feet and these are the only footwear that give you comfort, fuck you if you wear these. I have a strong disdain for these sandals and I’m not sure if it’s because of their association to the messiah (pft. yeah right, we all know it’s Liam Neeson). Without going on a further rant about these and probably getting flagged for being a terrorist I’ll stop now. Baseball bat death like Joe Pecsi in Casino and then buried alive with my feet permanently wearing these sticking out of the ground.

Anything “High Fashion”

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. All these celebrities and their bullshit praise of designers who probably just took a bunch of scraps, sewed them together and then said “watch this.” I don’t get it, I’m glad I don’t get it and I never will get it because there is really nothing to get. What the fuck is the guy on the left wearing? Listen I’m short, chubby and my mom said to me once “they must’ve used the ugly stick just to soften you up”, so I don’t have an visions of becoming a male model, but there should be a man with a chainsaw lurking slowly behind me if I wear any of these clothes, but that would probably backfire and just encourage more of this filth. (side note: if aliens are watching us this is the number one reason they aren’t considering us any kind of danger to them.)


Now I’m just mad at myself for even writing about these articles of clothing. Maybe this will become a weekly piece, but I’m not sure if I can take it.



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